Hiatus

So, there has been something of a hiatus, not so much in the reading as in life. 'Mere' by Danielle Giles and 'Awake in the Floating City' by Susanna Kwan were both book club books, which, as the year has mostly gone so far, I felt ambivalent about. Both suffered from the same thing in a way, that the author was not sure what kind of book they wanted to write. Especially Floating City; it is sold as some kind of post-apocalypse but that is barely mentioned and morphs into a relationship book with a sideline in artistic expression. Loved Louise Doughty's 'A Bird in Winter', a fast paced drama about a woman agent who goes on the run on discovering high level double agents, excellent escapism. Eurotrash by Christian Kracht was pressed on my by mum, a slightly surreal tale of a mother/son relationship as they trail around Europe with a pile of cash and a colostomy bag. Also listened to 'Cold Enough for Snow' by Jessica Au on the train to Devon, which was a delight. A story of a mother and daughter travelling in Japan.

So, it feels a little as if life came to a halt, several months ago, the day before my birthday, when I phoned mum and she told me my sister has a brain tumour. Very little else has been occupying my thoughts. It is surreal to watch people around you carrying on as normal. So, it has become a thing that is not just happening to her, but to our whole family, and we are closing in around her to take care of her. 

Christopher Hitchens book Mortality, written as he was dying of cancer was not designed to be comforting, but I found it to be, because the temptation is to pretend that this is not happening and it helped to find someone unafraid.

So, there will be something of a hiatus.

Stay safe. Be kind.

The new routine

So it seems that once a month-ish will be all I can manage for the time being, brain space being occupied with other stuff. 

'Come to the Edge' by Joanna Kavenna, was excellent fun, it had something of 'Spoiled Creatures' about it, rural idyll that is not so idyllic and populated by crazy people. An unnamed narrator leaves her husband and heads off into the wild north in search of maybe the meaning of life. Instead she finds Cassandra and mud. I found it depressing in the end because the woman does not change; she is bland and biddable at the beginning, and bland and biddable at the end. There is no epiphany where she finds true inner strength, she survives the events and returns to what she left behind. 

Here just an amusing description. I liked that the story plainly did not take itself too seriously and the writer did not hold back from the chaos that ensues from Cassandra's plans:

"Mandy has long straight hair and the atmosphere of the village fete hanging off her, and she would be outraged if she knew what was really happening. She's something of a hippy but not one who wants to get slammed in prison. A peaceable, authority-respecting organic-food-buying type of hippy, not a man-the-barricades and smash-the-pigs type." (p.184)

'The Last Sane Woman' by Hannah Regel (who has no website) was also excellent. It charts the lives of two young women artists. I was endeared to it immediately because Donna has recently graduated from North Staffordshire Polytechnic in the same era that I did. She is a ceramicist with a bright future but of course the world is a tough place for struggling artists. In the 2020s is Nicola, also a struggling ceramicist, who finds a feminist arts archive that contain a collection of letters that Donna wrote to her childhood friend Susan. So we just follow the lives of them both as they try to make their way in the world.

Here Susan reflecting on their friendship:

"If she's interrogated the matter further, she might have said that this dislike came from how her friend now appeared: as letters, addressed to her, and therefore secret. Donna was not the kind of friend they had over for dinner on a regular basis. Even when she was with Dev and they could have done the whole couples thing, the idea had never occurred to her. It was not that she didn't want to share her friend, but that she didn't know how. Not without losing the sense of herself she had build without her; without tripping that self over and falling back into being sixteen, eleven, four." (p.89)

Lovely metaphors:
"As instructed, Donna dries her face and the three of them step out into the blizzard. The snow lands on her head like a cat's paw, padding her hair into a wet white ball and squeaking underfoot." (p.114)

"She pulled a fitted sheet over her own stupidity and smoothed it out, waiting patiently for her accident to dry and for Marcella to finish." (p.159)

And, just how you imagine an artist would exist:
"Nicola surveyed the worktops surrounding her. Every inch was crammed with stuff: anagram fired bowls stacked with ripening plums, their sangria skin waxy with storm clouds, dusty kilner jars full of muesli and dried flageolet beans, piles and piles of rhubarb, freshly pulled with the dirt at the tip, scrunching bags of dried figs." (p.171)

The whole book was a delight of such descriptions. But Donna remains something of an enigma, and when Nicola steals the letters I hoped for a dramatic denouement but was left hanging ...

'The Beautiful Atlantic Waltz' by Malachy Tallack was the book club book for February, about three generations of a crofting family on Shetland. It focusses on Jack, who in the present has withdrawn more into his own quiet existence, keeping to himself, until new neighbours and a cat upset his carefully organised routine and give him a reason to care about others. It was not my sort of thing, a little predictable, but I enjoyed the story and the characters and sense of community. 

The world is going to hell in a handcart but we will soldier on. Green Party win in the by-election was so encouraging; I even participated and so felt permitted to share the glory. 

Stay safe. Be kind.

 

What is real?

I have had Ruth Ozeki's 'The Book of Form and Emptiness' from the library before, it's long and I ended up returning it barely started, and for once I actually got around to borrowing it again. I confess it has been difficult. I read 'Tale for the Time Being' a decade ago, so I was determined to like this too. Like the previous book it also asks the question about reality. Benny and the Book take turns to tell us what is happening, and a lot is happening. I initially thought that Benny was experiencing something supernatural and was a bit suspicious of where the book was going, and I struggled watching Annabelle be overwhelmed and unable to have much agency in her life. The whole set up was quite frightening, how easily an apparently ordinary life can slip out from under you, and how much they had depended on Kenji, even though he seems to have been less than dependable. 

Kenji is killed in a stupid accident and Annabelle and Benny are left with grief and just each other. When object around him start talking to Benny he finds it annoying, to begin with. As the talk gets louder and more intrusive he has nowhere to escape it. He is sectioned the first time after the scissor incident and on the children's psyche ward he meets the Aleph. She has struggles of her own but she becomes someone who helps him make sense of things that are happening. 

"Is it odd to see a book within a book? It shouldn't be. Books like each other. We understand each other. You could even say we are all related, enjoy a kinship that stretches like a rhizomatic network beneath the human consciousness and knits the world of thought together. Think of us as a mycelium, a vast, unconscious fungal mat beneath the forest floor, and each book a fruiting body. Like mushrooms we are a collectivity. Our pronouns are we, our, us.

Because we're all connected, we communicate all the time - agreeing, disagreeing, gossiping about other books, name-dropping, and quoting each other - and we have our preferences and prejudices too. Of course, we do! Biases abound on library shelves. The scholarly tomes disparage the more commercial books. Literary novels look down on romance and pulp fiction, and there's an almost universal disregard for certain genres, like self-help." (p.94)

The Book as a character in the book is Benny's book. It is said we all have a book inside us, the story of our own life. Benny's book starts talking to him and as he spirals into his breakdown he feels that the book is the one in charge, the one making the bad things happen, and he wants to shut it out. The book tries to explain that it is just a narrator but Benny is struggling to see what is real. The other book that appears in the book is 'Tidy Magic', a decluttering self-help book written by a Japanese Buddhist monk.

While the book is about so many things, it centres on Benny's mental health crisis; we watch as he falls off the edge, it is vivid and frightening, and Annabelle is powerless to help him. He escapes school and finds a safe place in the local library that he visited as a child, reading voraciously and randomly to quiet the voices in his head. But then Annabelle has an accident trying to clear some of the accumulated junk from the house and things all fall further apart. The library becomes however a place where they both find help and a community of people who catch them before they hit the bottom. 

Sometimes a story does try to do too much, and there is a lot going on in this story; the sense of belonging and family, the disconnectedness of society, consumerism as a replacement for the lost connection, grief and friendship, and several references to the earthquake and tsunami of 2011 (that feature also in Tale for the Time Being). But it is all pulled together in this mother and son who need each other, but who cant weather their storm alone. 

Sometimes you get to the end of a book and are just glad to be there. 

Stay safe. Be kind.

Existential Disarray

'A Field Guide to Reality' by Joanna Kavenna, is reviewed on the front cover as 'hallucinogenic', and that is definitely a word I might have come up with. Fever dream might be another description. Another book with a young woman narrator. And a book with pictures. More grown-up books should have pictures.

Eliade Jencks works in a cafe, but she has a somewhat mysterious connection to Professor Solete who has just died. When a philosophy professor leaves his magnum opus, The Field Guide to Reality, to a waitress his colleagues are understandably confused. When the box he has left her turns out to be empty things get weird. What follows is somewhat like a treasure hunt, Eliade and Anthony Yorke following clues that take them across Oxford, meeting with old friends and obscure secret societies. The story flipped between the mundanity of her everyday life and these academicians who live almost in another world. 

Whole stream of quotes, because the whole book is pretty much quotable. Here they arrive at Cassavetes' narrowboat:

"An oil lamp was swinging above our heads. The place was rammed with books and detritus. If books are detritus too, then the place was simply rammed with detritus. Every surface, every region, was full of papers, books, pencils, drawings of the river, tastefully executed, musical instruments, compasses, maps, pot plants, plates, cups, teapots. A cat mewed from below; Cassavetes leaned down and stroked it. There was a pan steaming on the stove, and Cassavetes dished out bean stew. We ate on tin plates." (p.104)

They spend a lot of the book tromping around in the cold and wet. Here they have just had an argument over her use of the phrase 'I lost my father' as a euphemism for death:

"That produced a pause. For a while we walked inside the pause, which spread as the darkness spread across the meadow. Animals punctuated the silence, as if they were trying to help - a last flurry of birdsong and unknown beasts rustling through the hedgerows. All nature chorused and then, suddenly, fell silent. The pause swept across the darkening fields.

Yorke was hastening along again, shuddering and occasionally stumbling on the hard ground.

The treacherous moon rose above the houses, filling the mist with injurious light." (p.114-115)

I just love that 'walked inside the pause'. It captures so perfectly how it feels to be with someone and not talking, feeling the tension of things unsaid. 

Here, later, things are becoming unreal (but also loved 'sartorial philosophy'):

"Anthony walked faster and faster. There was something relentless about his pace. Of course, the cold, his general hypothesis that coats were evil, or whatever his theory of the coat. It wasn't quite the time for sartorial philosophy. I understood. I didn't understand at all. Anything. Even coats were becoming strange and controversial. I carried on, and on, and I felt something like - resistance? My own? Or, the mist was becoming turgid? We were approaching the centre of the old earthworks, the place of maximum power. If you believed that sort of thing, which I didn't. And I assumed, neither did Anthony. But we were desperate. Everything else was increasingly intangible. Trees rustled as we walked, and the clouds moved slowly above the towers of the city. Electricity hummed, or some other force I couldn't begin to understand. The moon slid through the mist, staining it silver. Another shadow leered towards me - I recoiled! But it was nothing, of course. Another frill, a tendril, and then I moved into another region of shadow, I stepped into it, felt the cold air grip me. Reality came in and out as if I were receiving it on an ancient radio. Crackling on the wires. Intermissions of static." (p.172-173)

The book lurches into mysticism and magic and science and mathematics before drawing us back to philosophy. At one point the book reminded me of Sophie's World, that I have actually only read part of, but it's as if Solete has left Eliade a puzzle to solve, rather than his own answer. And all the people she encounters tell her parts of a story that she has to make sense of:

"I thought for a moment that I would just keep walking around the rivers and around the city until something occurred to me. But what would occur to me? The sun shone, as if some fetid branch of fate was trying to convince me it was all OK. I didn't believe the symbolic urgings of the weather. I kept thinking, surely if I just try one more time, I'll manage to solve the thing. I was completely convinced for a moment that I could still find this single final thing, and even the Field Guide, if I just made more of an effort. I had to find something, and put it in the box. Solete had left me alluring emptiness - and of course, what else do you do with emptiness? You fill it!" (p.207)

The black and white drawings punctuate the book, sometimes of places they go, sometimes more abstract ideas. Here Eliade is in the canal, after Cassavetes pushes her in. It is almost as if the dunking breaks the spell and returns her to the real world. I had to let go of some stuff that I didn't understand but that did not lessen for me how much I enjoyed the book. There is a denouement, but I felt the exploration was the point of the story. Definitely a writer I will seek out again.

Stay safe. Be kind. Read something challenging.

Cold Water

I read 'Sick Notes' way way back in 2013 and it was a book that stayed with me because of my reaction to it. I must have read about a new one expected out from Gwendoline Riley (who still doesn't have her own website) and came up with Cold Water in the library. Again she is writing about Manchester and the book is littered with references to places, streets and businesses across the city. It's funny how it does make you feel more invested in the story. This one is actually her first book and you can see the same themes running through it, it could almost be the same character, the same aimlessness, trying to make sense of existence. Again life is very grubby. But I think what I like is that she makes something out of nothing. These people are utterly unremarkable, but aren't we all, and that does not mean their lives and thoughts are not worthy of interest.

Carmel is recovering from a broken heart. She works in a bar, when she bothers to turn up. She wanders around and hangs out with friends. She gets drunk. She tells us about the people she's hanging out and getting drunk with.

After all the lovely metaphors in 'Portable Veblen' I was on the lookout.

"'Well, whiskey killed my mother so it has semi-romantic associations for me,' he said as he lifted the glass. How drab. Some people carry their emotional life around with them like a dead rat in a shoe box. Ready to whip it open and flash it under people's noses." (p.16)

"I'd mentioned Tony, but he didn't even exist for me anymore. I'd sealed him in the past. He was a myth, he was a rumour, and this talk was just night-time, half-drunk hyperbole. It's a relief when you can fall out of love. It's one less stone in your satchel." (p.19)

"Her tights twinkled cheaply in the light of the blue-orange flames and her face dissolved into the vague dusk. The fairy lights cast weird shadows like barbed wire." (p.52)

"A couple of days later, at Irene's behest, we went looking for Gene's brother Arthur at Longsight Market, where I knew he ran a book and record stall. A bare-bulb sun hung beneath a slanting bank of black clouds; the rain made a static crackle as it hit the pavement. The cold air carried out the stink of the meat counters and the grubby tarpaulin canopies above the fruit stalls held their own puddles." (p.78)

That's kind of it really. It's a book all about the writing, the atmosphere she creates. Loved it again. Will keep an eye out for the new one.

Stay safe. Be kind.

Next Time

'Next Time Will Be Our Turn' by Jesse Sultanto has been the January pick for my book group, and I have to say I quite enjoyed this one. Set in Indonesia it concerns Magnolia (or Tulip to her friends) telling her life story to her granddaughter Izzy. We don't get to know Izzy much, she is just the modern day commentator on her grandmother's experience. 

Magnolia's elder sister Iris is shipped off to an Indo-Chinese run home in America when she gets too fond of the boys and risks the family reputation, which seems a weird thing to do but there you go. The two girls, previously close, become strangers, with Iris coming back in the holidays transformed into an American girl. It seems that many affluent families would send their kids off to West Coast universities and when Magnolia graduates she joins her sister and their parents have set them up in a little apartment together. Pushed aside and ignored by the worldly and experienced Iris Magnolia is all at sea. On her first day she encounters the amazing Ellery. They become firm friends but when Magnolia begins to fall in love with Ellery her life is turned upside down. She loves her, but cannot acknowledge it, and, as they do, things fall apart; Mangolia goes home to Indonesia while Ellery heads off to London. They live their lives. Magnolia recounts her life in a long series of letters that she writes and never sends to Ellery. She marries, but it is Iris' choices that set the future in motion. 

It was a lovely tale of a strong sisterly bond, that in the end is more important than anything else. It is about how you self sacrifice for love. 

What's weird about the book is the timeline, which has Magnolia born in the 1980s, and is a grandparent to a teenager at the end, so maybe it's supposed to be being told at some future time. Whatever. 

I managed to come home from work and sit on the sofa and forget to go to the book club meeting, and writing that I just realised I also forgot to go up and get the new book. I see a trip to town in my very near future.

Little quote, it made me feel sad how she resigned herself to the life that was expected of her, but then many many people live their lives like that and it does not mean it was an unhappy one:

"Parker and I dated for almost a year before he proposed to me. The proposal itself was sweet, but not a surprise because, of course, we'd very sensibly discussed it in great detail beforehand. We'd had meals with both my parents and his where marriage was brought up, and nobody expressed any negative opinions. We were, after all, perfect on paper - both of us from similar ethnic and socioeconomic backgrounds. We even looked good together, Parker was five eight, tall for a Chindo guy, and when we stood next to each other, people often remarked what a cute couple we made. We rarely fought, and at the time, I thought it was because he was so agreeable and reasonable. I didn't think of how muted I had become over the years, how it had simply become habit to nod and agree with whatever anyone said." (p.166)

Stay safe. Be kind.

Never The Same Again

'The Portable Veblen' by Elizabeth Mckenzie is overdue at the library ... sorry. It was an excellent start to the year, a delight, that turned a little scary at times, because who doesn't need a bit of dramatic tension in their lives. And I love books with real people in them: Thorstein Veblen, after whom our heroine is named, was a real American economist and critic of capitalism (he doesn't appear in the story, but does get several mentions, and there are photos). Veblen and Paul are something of an odd couple, both with mildly dysfunctional families, but not in a bad way, but more than merely quirky. While Veblen is still deciding quite what to do with her life Paul has invented a device for relieving inter-cranial pressure after trauma to prevent brain damage, and interest in his device from a very powerful and wealthy woman sends events in all sorts of undesirable directions. Squirrels play quite a significant part in the story too. I can't really describe the story so that's all you're getting. The metaphors/similes were to die for:

"She was plain and mild in appearance, with hair the colour of redwood bark, and eyes speckled like September leaves." (p.2)

"Sometimes her reactions seemed to happen in slow motion, like old, calloused manatees moving through murky water." (p.14)

"He finished his bottle. The foam bubbled on his lips, tickling like root beer and first kisses." (p.70)

"This appeared to further unsettle him, which she rather enjoyed, a cool slap on the buttock of assumption." (p.179)

"She felt deflated, a balloon skin on the ground." (p.211)

"She drifted in like a stray feather." (p.295)

"She was aware that her mother had trained her to turn herself inside out, like a pocket to be inspected for pilfered change." (p.349)

The evolution of her relationship with her mother is central to the story. It has been a struggle for her to free herself; her mother constantly tries to reel her back in. This one gives you some idea of how things go:

"By now she recognised the patterns of her mother's behaviour that were triggered by any forward progress in her life. When Veblen finally made her move to Palo Alto, her mother fell into a horrible snit as Veblen finished packing that last day, throwing something at her while she zipped up one of her bags.

It was a patchwork cover for her computer, perfectly fitted, finely finished, made of scraps of Veblen's childhood dresses, just like the one her mother made for her typewriter once upon a time, an otherwise loving gesture except that her mother pitched it at her head and ran from the room in tears.

'Mom?' she called.

'What?' yelled her mother.

'I love it!' Veblen said.

'Melanie screeched, 'Go on, get out of here! Go, go, go, go, go!'" (p.130-131)  

I think I loved Veblen because she believed things so fervently, cared about everything. I loved her uncrushable idealism. And yet she still lived in the real world.

This, towards to end:

"She used to think falling in love was alchemy, that animals had weddings, that coal was a gemstone, that mountains were hollow, that trees had hidden eyes." (p.364) 

Stays safe. Be kind. Listen to the squirrels.                                                         

17th Blogiversary

 

I nearly forgot my blogiversary again, was distracted making an aubergine bake.

17 years makes it one of my longest relationships.

The statistics say 1670 posts.

Page views today 1169.

All time page views 1,256,926.

That's amazing, but slightly weird that 127,000 of them were on the 9th of January 2026. 

Equally weird, most visited post 'Not Offloading Much' from August 2025, which in one fell swoop overtook Margaret Atwood Poetry from April 2010 which has consistently been the most visited.

Still in the top ten are the Lizard Cake Tutorial and our 2009 trip to Oxford for Midsummer Day with Will and Lyra. Most visited novel review is Briefly Gorgeous by Ocean Vuong from 2021.

I like to think of it like a reading diary now; it will help in my old age so I don't waste my precious time accidentally re-reading things I have already read.

Off to bake the aubergine bake now.

Stay safe. Be kind.

Leonard and Hungry Paul

The best thing about 'Leonard and Hungry Paul' by Rónán Hession is the fact that we never find out why Hungry Paul is called Hungry Paul. It's a book all about people, my favourite kind. I knew I was going to love it from the opening sentence: "Leonard was raised by his mother alone with cheerfully concealed difficulty, his father having died tragically during childbirth." So Leonard's mother has died but he still has his surrogate family at Hungry Paul's house. Lovely description of Hungry Paul's parent's relationship:

"She met Peter after he had stopped one day to give her directions to an art exhibition and then invited himself along. They fell in love effortlessly. Their initial chemistry broadened into physics and then biology, until they were blessed with Hungry Paul's sister Grace as their first child. They then had Hungry Paul after two difficult miscarriages and, understandable in the circumstances, they treasured him. As a couple, Helen and Peter continued to share the closeness of two people who have been through a lot together." (p.6-7)

I think it would be fair, and they would be unlikely to disagree, to use the word nerds about Leonard and Hungry Paul. This is an early example of their conversations, during a game of Yahtzee:

" 'Indeed I do. I see you still have the fridge magnet of The Scream you bought afterwards as a momento. It's not just any artist that makes it onto that fridge.'

'Well, I was reading an article about that very painting today and guess what? Do you know what the most fascinating thing about it is?' tantalised Hungry Paul.

'Okay, let me think. The orange background is related to the eruption of Krakatoa isn't it? Is that it?'

'Interesting, but that's not it.' Hungry Paul was rattling his dice in the cup the whole time, adding to the sense of suspense.

'Okay, I give up.'

'The figure in the painting isn't actually screaming!' Hungry Paul spilled his dice on the board as he revealed this; a little too enthusiastically, as one of them had to be retrieved from under the table - a four, which did him no good.

'Really, are you sure?'

'Absolutely. That's the whole thing. The figure is actually closing his ears to block out a scream. Isn't that amazing? A painting can be so misunderstood and still become so famous.' " (p.16)

A few pages later they discuss the meaning of life (as you do):

" '... As you know, I have always been modestly Hippocratic in my instincts: I wish to do no harm. My preference has always been to stand back from the world. Much like the Green Cross Code, I like to stop, look and listen before getting involved in things. It has stood me well and kept me on peaceful terms with my fellow man. It's certainly better than trying to make my mark on the world, only to end up defacing it.' " (p.18-19)

And a few pages after that this lovely quiet sad moment after Helen has phoned Leonard about wedding arrangements (Grace is getting married):

"Leonard hung up and took off the mask of easy conviviality. Standing there in the kitchenette, there was something about the sincerity of Helen's awkwardness that had bought it home to him. The 'plus one' on his invite, received several weeks ago, must have been intended for his poor mother. The thought stunned him gently for a moment as a man in chinos walked in and made disapproving noises at finding mugs left to soak. In a hurry to get back to his noise-cancelling headphones, Leonard put away the tea caddy and finished stirring his own palpable milky loneliness." (p.24-5)

So Leonard forms a low key relationship with Shelley at work and Hungry Paul enters a competition organised by the local Chamber of Commerce, and the arrangements for Grace and Andrew's wedding are both vitally central to the plot and utterly in the background. Significant changes to their quiet lives seem to be afoot. 

I just have to put this lovely little bit in, because Hungry Paul has a part time job as an ad-hoc postman and this description is so weirdly out of date (wooden pigeon holes have long since been phased out in favour of frames with individual slots) that I wonder what research the author did to come up with it (love the reference to 'bachelorhood' too as if postmen are young and unmarried, very much not the case):

"When he entered the sorting area where his post bag was waiting for him, the large room was practically empty, the early rising full-timers keen to get their day started - or more specifically finished - as soon as possible. This was a busy place in a state of desertion, with a lingering atmosphere of bachelorhood and strong opinions. Hungry Paul started organising the post into pigeon holes, one for each street on the route, before ordering it by house number. Throwing up and setting in, as it was called. If you didn't know a street you didn't know how to order the letters. Some streets were best done in odds and evens, some in numerical order. In semi-rural areas, where houses had names but no numbers, it was all a question of local knowledge, which was unavailable to the casual postman. In most cases it would have made more sense to just leave the post until the next day when the regular man would be back, as hardly anything urgent went by post anymore, but they never did that. It was said that a clean bench was a clean conscience." (p.52)

So while Helen is gently trying to coax Hungry Paul out into the real world by taking him with her when she goes hospital visiting a random exchange with a mime artist is set to alter the course of his life entirely.

I don't want to spoil it for you. The whole thing is just a delight. 

Stay safe. Be kind.

Looking Back and Forth

So we have rolled around to another year. There seems to be some consensus on good riddance to 2025. Routine life has plodded on with the highlight being my trip to Japan, but it now seems so long ago that I am barely sure it happened. Monkey is visiting in July this year so I can count down to the next time I see her. We chat on WhatsApp but it's not the same. I have restarted (for the third time) learning Japanese, but deliberately started before the new year so that it was definitely not a resolution. I need to go back to exercising but am going to consider my brain health first. And then financial health, which will involve not taking on anything else that will cost money; paying down the mortgage is going to be a priority.

So, books? I don't feel like I have read very much, and certainly far too many that were a bit meh. Having started well I have often not really liked the book club books, but I love the talking so have persevered with it and will continue to do so. Here is this year's list:

• On Tyranny by Timothy Snyder
• The North Light by Hideo Yokoyama
• Here One Moment by Liane Moriarty
• The Serviceberry by Robin Wall Kimmerer
• The Overstory by Richard Powers
• I Who Have Never Known Men by Jacqueline Harpman
• The Extinction of Irena Rey by Jennifer Croft
• The Gentleman From Peru by André Aciman
• Enter Ghost by Isabella Hamad
• Orbital by Samantha Harvey
• Three Days in June by Anne Tyler
• Bird Life by Anna Smaile
• When We Were Bad by Charlotte Mendelson
• There Are Rivers in the Sky by Elif Shafak
• The Beekeeper of Sunjar by Dunya Mikhail
• The Echoes by Evie Wyld
• The Emperor of Gladness by Ocean Vuong
• Cassandra at the Wedding by Dorothy Baker
• Fundamentally by Nussaibah Younis
• The Coin by Yasmin Zaher
• Your Neighbour's Table by Gu Byeyong-Mo
• Isabella Nagg and the Pot of Basil by Oliver Darkshire
• Case Histories by Kate Atkinson
• When Will There be Good News by Kate Atkinson
• The Living Sea of Waking Dreams by Richard Flanagan
• Spoiled Creatures by Amy Twigg
• The World According to Garp by John Irving
• Lydia Cassatt Reading the Morning Paper by Harriet Scott Chessman
• Should We Stay or Should We Go by Lionel Shriver
• Beautyland by Marie-Helene Bertino
• The Anechoic Chamber by Will Wiles
• Our Sister Killjoy by Ama Ata Aidoo
• The Witches of El Paso by Luis Jaramillo
• Giovanni's Room by James Baldwin
• Take Nothing With You by Patrick Gale
• The Wonder by Emma Donoghue
• The Ghost Orchid by Michael Longley
• Recursion by Blake Crouch (not worth a review, though I did read it all)

37 reviewed last year, though several abandoned part way and two to come from before Christmas, both wonderful (see one below). Highlight of the year has to the Emperor of Gladness, but also Orbital and Safekeep (below). More than I remembered that I did enjoy, maybe I was just being negative, it wasn't bad reading just neglectful reviewing.

'The Safekeep' by Yael Van Der Wouden was shortlisted for the Booker and won the Women's Fiction Prize in 2025, so was definitely on my radar. It starts a bit slow, with Isabel who lives a very small life in her childhood home, after her mother's death. Lots of snippets to come because it was so beautiful; coming back from dinner with her brother Hendrik :

"Home, when she arrived, welcomes her with relief. There you are, said the dim light in the kitchen, left on for comfort. I've waited up for you, said the rattle of the key in the door." (p.18)

After another family dinner her other brother Louis announces he is sending his current girlfriend Eva to stay with Isabel while he has to be away working. She resents the intrusion in her life but is so meek and submissive she just accepts it. The days, then weeks go past, the two young women tiptoeing around each other, Isabel resentful, Eva desperate to ingratiate herself. Isabel is obsessed with her possessions and the fear of someone stealing them, she goes around the house making an inventory, rechecking the spoons and ornaments. But Eva pushes back against her reserve until a tension exists between them. It starts really slow and builds:

"Up in her room Isabel sat at her dresser. There was a cloud of bugs by the open window, catching there setting sun, dancing up, down. In the mirror Isabel tried to see what Eva had seen. She pulled the strand from behind her ear, arranged it over her eye again. Pushed it back, hand slow, smoothing it back. She touched her cheek, the corner of her wide mouth.. Her fingers to her lips: she pushed two inside, over her tongue, the ridge of her teeth, and then a door slammed shut downstairs and Isabel got up and dried her fingers off on her skirt and swallowed three times. She could still taste her own skin. She rearranged herself, looked from the window to the wall to the bed." (p.58)

The next day Louis phones:

"Isabel put her forehead to the papered wall, looked in through the gap of the door hinge. Eva sat on the arm of the couch, phone to her ear. She had her hair up. Her dye job had missed the patch at the nape of her neck, and there was soft brown hair there, a few curls. The top buckle of her spine jutted pout above the collar of her blouse. Of her face, Isabel could only see the curve of her cheek, the shape of her smile." (p.63)

On the surface there is a formal awkward atmosphere between them, and then a horrible interlude where a local man who is basically harassing Isabel takes her on a date, because she is incapable of refusing him (and I became convinced he was going to rape her). Hendrik and his boyfriend Sebastian come and visit for a few days, and it breaks the tension between them, diverting their attention, but then Eva kisses her, and all hell lets loose.

"Isabel, too full to be teased, came to stand behind her. Wrapped her arms around her, pressed her face to Eva's neck and stayed there. Eva's laughter went quiet. She let herself be held a moment. She stroked Isabel's arms. She said, quiet, 'Who are you?' she said, 'Have you always been like this? Have you just been waiting to happen?'" (p.149)

Then, 

"'That's nice,' Eva swayed into her. Isabel turned her face this way, that. Eva let her. Isabel kept her with a hand to the small of her back. She put the wet towel to Eva's throat.

'Yeah,' Eva sighed, and shivered. Isabel held her there. A hand over coth over throat - held her there like that. Held her by the throat." (p.152)

and my mind leapt ahead anticipating huge crushing heartbreak and a terrible, terrible consequence. The intense passion of their relationship seemed to only allow for tragedy. But the story is so much more subtle than that. There is back story that emerges gradually, as we learn who Eva really is and how she came to be in Isabel's house. 

The first part of the story is tight with anticipation and the second half swamped with passion. Both women, so lost and alone, you want them to find and keep each other. 

I'll just finish with this last one, a quote from Eva's diary February 8 1961:

"She was staring at me. She stared in a way that I knew she would want to talk to me. I did not want that. She came to me just as I wanted to bike away and held my arm and said that I was Esther's girl. 'Aren't you? Aren't you Esther's girl? You are, I know it.' I couldn't say anything. It was like someone had put a stone in my mouth and now I could not speak. Who says my mother's name other than Malcha? No one says her name to me these days. She insisted on speaking to me. She wanted me to come have tea at a café at the corner. I thought, Oh, she has someone waiting there who will get me and send me to the Germans. That's what I thought! And then I thought: that can't happen anymore. Isn't that strange, how that works? You can think something that used to be true but isn't true anymore but still believe it in your bones." (p.196)

What a lovely book, intense and overwhelming. just what I needed to end the year.

Stay safe. Be kind.