The Party

I quite like Tessa Hadley but I found this book irritating. Billed as a tale of sisterly bonding I struggled to engage with them or their situation. Moira and Evelyn are sisters, Evelyn the younger studious one, Moira the older and more adventurous. They mislead their parents and head off to a party in a pub where they get talking to two men, who are apparently of little interest. And yet at the weekend they find themselves picked up and taken to a second gathering in a fancy, though somewhat down at heel, house, attended by the same men. Much of the description felt laboured and excessive and I was irritated by the unclear period of the book. It is set very vaguely 'post war' but the description of Evelyn's outfit felt more 1950s, or even 60s, but the music at the party is definitely not rock and roll... 

I keep reading things I don't care about, and feeling irritated with myself for a waste of reading effort. I am definitely in a slump. Started Birnham Wood by Eleanor Catton (who I have loved) but ...

Life is short

 

Having lost several days of my holiday to the US election and its aftermath, then another day to a wasted outing when our train was returned to Piccadilly because of another train broken down on the line ahead, I have tried to find solace in reading. I have loved everything by Ann Patchett ( ... reviewed here, and here, and here, and here, and here, and here!) and 'The Dutch House' was no exception. Danny and Maeve live there, with a somewhat absent father and a rather more absent mother, cared for by Fluffy the nanny, and Sandy and Jocelyn the housekeepers. After their mother leaves for good their father marries Andrea and a tense stalemate sets in. When he dies suddenly it turns out that the whole kit and caboodle, the house and his business, now belong to her. Maeve is in college and Danny in high school by this time, she promptly throws them out. 

It is a beautiful, extravagant house, built by a Dutch family who had since all expired, that was bought with contents, including all their personal possession. Once the raccoon infestation in the attic is sorted out the place is preserved in its entirety, including the portraits above the mantle of Mr and Mrs VanHoeBeek. I thought that the house would become like a character in the book, but it didn't. Although there are many description of it, it looms large in their lives but not really in the story. Danny tells the story of the two of them, finding their own paths, but bonded by the fact of just having each other ... and the house. They sit in the car outside and smoke and talk, not to spy or even to unnerve Andrea, but simply because it is their place. I just love a good sibling story, I feel for people who don't have siblings, there is something unique about these people who you have spent your childhood with. Maeve is the protective big sister and tries to push Danny into becoming a doctor, using their father's education trust fund to put him through expensive medical school, but all he wants to do is follow his father into real estate. They muddle through life until Maeve has a heart attack and their whole lives start to turn full circle. As always, it can be so hard to put my finger on what makes good writing. I engaged with all the people and their relationships, and then she broke my heart and mended it again. It left me feeling that life is short and precious.

Here, in the aftermath of their departure from the Dutch House:

"Maeve was feeling better but I told her to go upstairs and sit down while I lugged what I had up three flights of stairs to her apartment. There was only one bedroom and she told me to take it. I told her no.
'You're going to take the bed,' she said, 'because you're too long for the couch and I'm not. I sleep on the couch all the time.'
I look around her little apartment. I'd been there plenty of time but you see a place differently when you know you're going to be living there. It was small and plain and suddenly I felt bad for her, thinking it wasn't right that she should be in this place when I was living on VanHoeBeek Street, forgetting for a minute that I wasn't living there anymore. 'Why do you sleep on the couch?'
'I fall asleep watching television,' she said, then she sat down on that couch and closed her eyes. I was afraid she was going to cry but she didn't. Maeve wasn't a crier. She pushed her thick black hair away from her face and looked at me. 'I'm glad you're here.'
I nodded. For a second I wondered what I would have done if Maeve hadn't been there - gone home with Sandy or Jocelyn? Called Mr Martin the basketball coach to see if he would have me? I would never have known.
That night in my sister's bed I stared at the ceiling and felt the true loss of my father. Not his money or his house, but the man I sat next to in the car. He had protected me from the world so completely that I had no idea what the world was capable of. I had never thought about him as a child. I had never asked him about the war. I had only seen him as my father, and as my father I had judged him. There was nothing to do about that now but add it to the catalog of mistakes." (p.98-99)

Stay safe. Be kind. Love your siblings.

All the stuff

It has been a troublesome time. I have found myself obsessed with the American election, compulsively watching news reports and rallies on Youtube and pouring over the politics pages in the Guardian. The end is nigh, and all the rest of the world can do is hold its breath and wait. I could pretend I have been trying to distract myself, but no, I have just wallowed. All these books have been read weeks ago.

'The Advantages of Nearly Dying' by Michael Rosen was bought ages ago. In it he recounts through poetry the experience of nearly dying of Covid. I'm so glad he didn't die. Many of them relate to his body, and the things that nearly dying did to it, they are often witty and poignant at the same time, but the one I loved at the end has nothing to do with Covid. The rhetoric of the Republican nominee and his minions makes me afraid for the world again, so much hate and fear mongering, so much reducing people to less than human. Please, if you have a vote, vote for hope.

Sonnet for Anne Frank

Since you took us into that attic space

no room under the eaves has been the same.

Wherever we go - our homes or others

whenever we dip and duck under beams

you are in the shadows, writing pages

laughing, crying, eating, daring to love

imagining a better world than yours

How you wrote leads us to think we know you.

You compressed so much life into that loft

which we pore over and love you for it

yet the real world - not the one you imagined

didn't allow you to live and write anymore.

Each time we read, we struggle to enjoy

your love of life while knowing how it ended.

'We All Want Impossible Things' by Catherine Newman was a lovely story of friendship, put to the ultimate test as Edi is dying, and Ash focusses her life in on caring for her. We watch their day to day struggles and learn the history of their lives. It was warm and full of love, even with the inevitable ending. 

"I want to stay in the deep thrum of the profound, but I don't. Instead, I notice that Edi's nail polish is peeling - should I remove it? - and that Honey's wearing a sky-blue sweater I've never seen before, and that it looks great on him. The toasts are over, and Belle is laughing with Jonah, flashing the perfect gap between her front teeth. Jules is leaning against me, so grown-up in her tights and boots, and her hair smells like apples. Everyone is so beautiful. I'm seeing all of us surrounding Eli in this room, her bed in the middle like a raft. I'm seeing Shapeley on the grid of the town's streets and buildings, seeing the town in the state, the state in the country, the country in the globe, the earth in the boundless, endless universe, surrounded by infinity, spinning pointlessly. I slip outside into the hallway to catch my breath, and Honey follows, squats down by me. 'You okay?'

'Yeah. I think I'm having vertigo. Or, like, an existential crisis.'

Or apeirophobia, which, Jules has explained to me, is fear of eternity, which I'm definitely having. Where will Edi be? And for how long? Nowhere and forever. No." (p.155-156)

'The Garden Against Time' by Olivia Laing was bought at a Literature Festival event back in September (or maybe it was August). She tells the story of a Suffolk garden that she restores, and the history of the people who have over time impacted on its development. The whole book was so very readable, engaging, alternating between describing her own struggles with stories from the garden's past. Random quotes because she had so much thought provoking stuff to say, often at a complete tangent to gardening.

"Morris was not simply being nostalgic here. In fact, the accusation of nostalgia can be seen as part of the same Whig mindset, the belief that humanity is moving perpetually upward in its attainments, and that to pause or reverse is automatically a negative and regressive act, with correspondingly devastating social and economic consequences. What Morris believed instead was that many of the decisions around progress had been wrong, that good and simple ways of doing things had been replaces by cheaper, quicker ones, which impoverished and made ugly the lives of many while making millionaires of a very few. He didn't hesitate to inculpate himself in this dynamic, as purveyor, employer or consumer, asking in one of his lecture the still unanswerable, still troubling and turbulent question: 'how can we bear to use, how can we enjoy something that has been a pain and grief for the maker to make?'" (p.171)

"The first I came to was St Bartholomew the Great, the oldest surviving church in London. I lit a candle and went on by way of West Smithfield, pausing to look at my favourite memorial. It marks the site where King Richard II met with Wat Tyler and other representatives of the Great Revolt of 1381, to agree the political reforms that he later reneged on, killing Tyler in the process and later John Ball too; the events that inspired William Morris to write his time-travelling fantasy A Dream of John Ball. The plaque is carved with John Ball's famous words, still unfulfilled, still yearning: 'THINGS CAN NOT GO ON WELL IN ENGLAND NOR EVER WILL UNTIL EVERYTHING SHALL BE IN COMMON WHEN THERE SHALL BE NEITHER VASSAL NOR LORD AND ALL DISTINCTIONS LEVELLED.'" (P.228)

"In 1945 Hodgkin wrote to Kenneth Clark begging to be allowed to produce an official record of the plants that had established amidst the ruins of the City. Clark was chair of the War Artists Advisory Committee, established in the autumn of 1939 to commission artists to produce a documentary record of Britain at war. The best known images in the collection are those made by Henry Moore and Edward Ardizzone of people sleeping in the impromptu air-raid shelters of the Underground, mouths hanging open, bodies spectral, worn to a revelling by fear and exhaustion. But there are thousands more, by over four hundred artists, known and unknown, recording bombing raids and burning churches, first-aid posts and operating theatres; even a house in the act of collapsing. Convalescent Nurses Making Camouflage Nets; An Emergent Bridge over the River Thames; Fire in a Paper Warehouse; Escape of the Zebra from the Zoo during an Air Raid Fire: the titles attest to the uncanny and often terrible sights that were witnessed and logged for the nation." (p235-236)

'The Life of a Banana' by P.P. Wong came from Monkey's shelf and is the story of a young Chinese girl living in the UK and her experience of trying to be both, British and Chinese. It was sometimes a hard book to read alongside all the other political stuff as there are descriptions of unpleasant racist bullying. It starts with the death of her mother and goes downhill from there, with her unloving grandmother, weird uncle and wayward aunt becoming her new family. She finds little niches of support, from her brother and a kindred spirit at school but her adolescence becomes a struggle without her mother's support and guidance. 

"Mama said London is a cosmo-politican country and 'cos of that it's okay to be an 'ethnic minority' 'cos there are quite a few of us. But then it gets weird 'cos I'm neither here nor there. Like I'm not totally white and I'm not Singaporean either. I love Sunday roasts and Chinese food too, but I can't speak fluent Chinese, and the only Chinese word I can write is my name. None of my friends have ever been Chinese apart from when I met Jay, but he's half. Kilburn was where I grew up - whereas Singapore is a strange land where people sound and act different. They use words like wah lay, kena and meh. But most of the people here look like me and my name is just normal, not strange. Also, I blur into the crowds of black haired people and, if I wanted to, I could be like Where's Wally. I could disappear and people would struggle to find me. Mama said I should be proud to be a BBC - British Born Chinese (when I was little I thought it meant that Chinese people were owned by the BBC). Mama said being BBC makes me special. But I don't feel special. Most of the time I feel strange." (p.121)

Also I stopped going to the gym. That didn't help in several ways. I became one of those people who paid for a gym membership but did not go. I kept paying because I thought if I stopped then I would definitely never go again. So I finally had a late shift on Friday and I went with Tish. This lovely, huge patch of wildflowers in the park has remained unmowed all summer and still looks lovely. My body hurts now as I am back to square one, but I have been three times and will try and establish a new routine for myself.

Stay safe. Be kind. Don't beat yourself up.