How to lay a linoleum bathroom floor

The bathroom was totally bearable, ordinary, white, bland.

Step 1: Cover up that white with some really fabulous green paint. And fix the towel rail that was hanging off the wall:

Step 2: Some time later get around to mounting some lovely bamboo boxes and a mirror:

Step 3: Pull up the old vinyl flooring and find disgusting stuff underneath. Also remove the old bath panel and chuck it out. Scrub the floor with bicarb and vinegar to get rid of pee smell (it works pretty good). Live with it like this for a while (this is so you will appreciate the loveliness that is to come) (don't forget to keep the old vinyl for later):

Step 4: You have to level the floor. I got a quote for levelling the floor and laying the lino, it was £250 and they said I would have to have the sink and toilet taken out too. At this point I decided I could definitely do this myself. Half of my floor was already covered with a sheet of hardboard, in reasonable condition, the rest was floorboards. I chopped up bits of hardboard to patch and cover the floorboards. Nail the pieces down with 19mm annular nails (these are designed to not pull out easily and you don't really want them going through the floorboards in case there are pipes underneath). There are some useful guidelines here on the B&Q website, though I didn't follow the instructions religiously. Take care not to cut the end off your thumb with the Stanley knife or it will delay your progress considerably. Go over the floor and make sure the nails are nice and flush with the surface (I missed a couple and the little bumps annoy me but I am working hard at not beating myself up about it):

Step 5: Lay out your linoleum in the living room (it will smell really nice). This is an all natural product made from linseed oil, cork dust, wood flour and calcium carbonate, backed with a hessian type material. It is called Marmoleum by Forbo but I purchased it from UK Contract Flooring. They were very helpful and Frank emailed me with advice and support several times while I agonised about whether to try and fit it myself. It came on a huge cardboard tube that is going, at some future date, to become part of a massive cat tree we are going to build for Lyra (did I mention the cat at all yet, maybe not?):

Step 6: The linoleum needs to sit and come to room temperature for at least a day, then unroll. It has to be back-rolled and then gently massaged to flatten it out. Do this very carefully and do not lean on it or fold it as it will crack and be spoiled. I probably did not do this enough as mine did curl and lift very slightly after laying. Be very wary of any instructions for laying vinyl flooring; linoleum is a completely different substance and is not as flexible:

Step 7: As advised somewhere I purchased some concave curved blades for the Stanley knife, they work much better for cutting linoleum. I used the old vinyl flooring that I had taken up as a template and marked out the shape to cut. Do this carefully and remember to have the two layers the same way up, otherwise you will find you have cut your flooring back to front (I double checked this about three times). Allow a little extra all round, you can trim down but not stick it back on when you have cut it off. I cut the basic shape but not the holes for the sink and toilet. Fortunately for me the new bath panel came in a huge cardboard box that I used to cover the floor so I could safely cut the linoleum without risking damaging my carpet. Not sure how you might handle this otherwise, just improvise:

Step 8: Remove the bathroom door, it will be completely in the way. Carry the linoleum up and lay it in the doorway. I pulled it into position and carefully trimmed it round the doorway and into the corner. Again take care not to force it as it does crack quite easily. You can literally carve off small layers from the edge until it lies down neatly:

Step 9: Now cut out the shapes for the sink and the toilet. This involved a lot of gently putting it into place, seeing where it needed trimming, gently easing it up again and trimming a few millimetres off and gently putting it back down again. You will fuck it up. But you know what, in the grand scheme of things it will be fine and still look fabulous. I patched a little space at the front of the sink pedestal and you'd never know it was there, and the toilet is pretty damn near perfect:

Step 10: Glue it down. No photos of gluing process, too busy gluing. I bought some Evo-Stick flooring adhesive from Travis Perkins (mainly because it came in a smaller tub than the official stuff). Spread the glue over the half of the floor farthest from the door then lay the flooring and press into place. Get your assistant to hold the linoleum out of the way and spread glue on the second half and complete the process. You are supposed to roll it with a weighted roller but we just walked around on it and rubbed it with some blocks of wood wrapped in towels, making sure to go all the way to the edges. We did this for about 20 minutes or so until we got bored. I should have thought to put piles of books or something heavy down while it dried, there is some (very) minor curling by the bath that I am also not beating myself up about:

Step 11: Plan your new bath panel. I bought a plain flat bath panel made of painted hardboard (also from Travis Perkins) that had to be cut to size. Tish came up with the brilliant suggestion of making a template using some of the cardboard packaging, this saved me huge amounts of struggle as I could cut the panel to the right size first time:

Step 12: I bought excess linoleum because I wanted to create a more interesting bath panel, so having cut the panel to size I glued it to the linoleum and left it to dry overnight, weighted down at both ends to ensure no curling:

Step 13: Next morning trim the excess linoleum around the edge of your bath panel. Slot your new fabulous bath panel in to place. I was going to screw a framework to the walls and attach it properly but it seemed like a whole lot of faff so in fact the bath panel is held in place by the fact that it is edged with clear silicone sealant:

 Step 14: I bought some small tubes of clear sealant and did the entire room, all edges of the flooring, around the toilet and sink and around the bath panel. It smoothed off very neatly and is barely visible:

Step 15: Since I am trying to do things properly I spent two hours cutting away all the old mouldy sealant (see the top photo, it was pretty bad) and replaced it. Unfortunately I bought clear rather than white by mistake (this had been bought on our first trip to B&Q back in May) so it does not cover as nicely. I also bought grout reviver and spent another hour scrubbing the grout and then colouring it white, and that looks just brilliant:

Step 16: I also added a strip of linoleum on the other side of the bathroom where the pipes have been boxed in. I rubbed down the rusty radiator and painted it (though the rust is peeping though so I may have to find some kind of rust treatment stuff) and put a second coat of paint on the skirting, doorframe and the door:

And now it is a fabulous bathroom that brings me joy every time I go in:

Measure twice, cut once ... or How to Build a Loft Bed

Measure your space. My room is 8'x6' almost exactly. There is not a lot of room for error (as you will see later). Make a plan. It doesn't need to be detailed or to scale, so long as you have real measurements for the pieces of wood. Fortunately the rooms in our house at 9' high. I wanted to be able to sit up in bed without feeling cramped or claustrophobic so chose to make the bed 150cm high, not quite high enough to stand up underneath, but with plenty of headroom above. I also wanted space alongside the mattress to have a shelf for tea and books, so the space on the bed is 5' wide by 6' long. 

I based my design on 'The Platform', a play structure I built for the children when they were little. Add up all your legs and side spars and slats, add nails, screws and bolts, and random tools that you don't own and order the whole lot from Wickes. A cordless drill is an absolute necessity (I have had a lot of fun with mine). They may let you down with some bits, but don't worry because the plumbing and building supplies shop round the corner actually has much cheaper wood. Wood comes in pre-cut lengths so you have some built in waste but I tried to minimise this by using left over bits for other jobs. The main frame and legs are made with 2x4, the other bracing pieces and slats are 2x1 and the supports for the slats are 2x2 (some shops sell by metric measurements, others by inches). Compared to the legs of shop bought beds mine is very chunky but I like the fact that it feels *very* solid. I had the basic idea quite firmly in my head but we (that's my sister Claire, who came to visit, and I) did improvise somewhat as we went along.

 So, when you cut your pieces of wood follow one golden rule: measure twice, cut once. Even if you are sure you measured it properly, measure again. 

I made the head and foot of the bed, that is two legs attached together by a cross spar at the top and a thinner bracing piece half way down (positioned to not get in the way of the radiator), then added the side spars. These are all held together with coach bolts. The cross spars on the head and foot are slightly lower to allow for the thickness of slat support spars. This is the basic frame up:

I won't go into the torturous details of how I had not visualised the radiator being in the way when putting the bed together and how we had to bodge the corner leg. The whole thing is literally built into the room, it will have to be taken to pieces if we ever move.

Initially I was only going to have one spar down the length supporting the slats but in the end I used three; feeling secure that high up is important.

Getting up with a stepladder is ok temporarily but proper steps were part of the plan. Again these were mostly in my head and then we had to rethink the whole design when we went to buy more wood. 

Two double frames like this form the basis for the steps with two single steps, one at the bottom and one on top. I did make them all separate but did not make a 'floor' on the upper steps. They are then all screwed together through the battening (but are not screwed to the bed, I decided I might need to move them if something vital fell down the back). The panelling is 2x1 and 3x1, pieces left over from the slats and then some bought extra. The sides that are hidden from view are panelled with MDF from the shelves that I removed from Tish's room and the living room. It was very satisfying to repurpose it.

Upper steps in place, the two lower ones are 88cm by 60cm by 40cm high, the upper one is 44cm by 60cm by 40cm high:

Four steps. I had planned on five but there was not room. This lower step is 44cm by 44cm and is not screwed in place. Tish suggested I leave it movable so it can be a foot rest when I get my chair:

I added a fifth 'leg', not structural but it creates an entrance to the bed and supports the safety rail and the shelf. It is screwed through the main frame and also has a brace piece at the bottom to ensure it does not shift when it is leaned on. This shows the safety rail and step lighting (it is a rechargable LED that is movement sensitive so comes on when I get out of bed in the night) :

The 'fence' that stops things falling off the bedside shelf:

Bedside shelf.  Tea, glasses, books, random stuff that is nice to keep handy. You can also easily access the space under the shelf for a small knitting project.

My big chest of drawers has migrated to the living room as craft storage and I bought two small unfinished pine chests in Ikea, they fit the space perfectly.

 The steps are designed to be storage spaces. The bottom one is open all the way through, the second step has a divider and the two halves open to the front and the side. I am thinking of bright velvet curtains to cover the openings:

 And a word of warning about measuring your space. 
I measured so carefully. I did. 

But ... 

10 X 10 X 10 Giveaway post

It has been creeping up slowly over the last couple of months, but finally I have reached my 1000th post! It feels like a huge milestone, who knew I had so much to say. I decided to celebrate the things that I have enjoyed about blogging with a 10 x 10 x 10 post. 
Up first are my ten most visited posts:

10: Cool Aid Dying with 1031 visits
9: Cooking and Sewing Post with 1114 visits
8: Carol Ann Duffy with 1124 visits
7: for the home educators HESFES : long self-indulgent holiday post with 1216 visits
6: for the reptile fans Tegu Walking with 1123 visits
5: for the Philip Pullman fans Midsummer's day with Will and Lyra with 1496 visits
4: Engelby by Sebastian Faulks with 1158 visits
3: Luscious Lemon Cake with 1565 visits
2: an early poetry post, visited by many students I think Margaret Atwood Poetry with 3247 visits
1: (not quite fair on Margaret Atwood but combining two as they go together) Lizard Cake and Lizard Cake Tutorial with a total of 4985 visits

Next I give you, with much torturous decision making, my ten favourite books of the 462 that are labelled at book reviews (alphabetical for I could never rank them one to ten):

Any Human Heart by William Boyd
Austerlitz by W.G. Sebald
Care of Wooden Floors by Will Wiles
Fugitive Pieces by Anne Michaels
The Goldfinch by Donna Tartt
The Lacuna by Barbara Kingsolver
The Luminaries by Eleanor Catton
The Road by Cormac McCarthy
The Wasp Factory by Iain Banks
Words from a Glass Bubble by Vanessa Gebbie

And the final ten posts are the ten that I love, either because they mark significant things that have happened over the last few years or just times when I wrote something important to me or that I was particularly pleased with:

Don't Apologise speaks for itself, I was angry, I should write like that more often.
Nostalgia ain't what it used to be is a brief post that celebrates 15 years of friendship with the Ridley Birks family. 
Two Deaths, Three Kisses and a Punchup was written in 2011 when I blogged for the Library Theatre's production of Hard Times
Monkey Quilt the Final Chapter is the result of over two years working on our beekeeper's quilt.
Favourite Moments gives the best bits from my visit to Costa Rica with my mum in 2014.
Dead Dog Poems is one of many many post written during my longstanding involvement with the Manchester Literature Festival, it was one of my favourite events.
What I Think is a course review of 'A Brief History of Humankind', of the many courses I have done with Coursera since 2013 it was the most interesting and engaging.
Night of Writing Dangerously: Monkey and I have participated in NaNoWriMo several times, and are planning to again this year.
Luggage: I have taken part in the Blogging from A to Z Challenge every year since 2012, several years I have done flash fictions, and this is one I particularly liked.
Blogger (a poem) that I wrote back in 2010

I hummed and hawed about what to do to celebrate, and thought that of course there should be a give-away. I know people visit when I post stuff and I hope you get some interest or enjoyment out of reading but I thought it might be nice to know who you all are. So here are three outrageously unique tote bags that I made for my short-lived Etsy shop, so maybe if people just say hi and leave their email contact/blog link and I will pick three people at random to send them to.

Red and Black flocked satin lined with white cotton.

Brown satin with gold spirals lined with pale pink satin.

Pink paisley satin lined with pale pink satin.

Pennies and Bhajis for the New Year

It turns out that £40 is not statistically significant because the total in this year's found money pot is an impressive £89.42p, though I did have to take out £30 the other week when the man came round to fix my bike and the long term wear and tear was rather more expensive than I had anticipated.
I am however left with enough for a nice new year treat.

I spent my new year's eve with friends. We ate dhal (lentil curry) with all the trimmings, had a Dr Who quiz, danced to the soundtrack of The Rocky Horror Picture Show, played tiddlywinks and 'Midlife Crisis' and drew pictures of what we wanted from life in 2015. I had anticipated a grown-up evening ending at a sensible hour, but the young people decided to join us so we soldiered on til midnight and popped a few corks. Jill's house is quite tiny so it was hard to get the camera far enough away to get everyone in.

My now traditional contribution to the evening was vegetable bhajis. There are many, many variations on the recipe for bhaji so I am just giving you here my adaptation.

You start with the batter:

besan or gram flour, this is about 8oz, but quantity depends on how many people you are cooking for

finely minced red chilli (I used half of a huge one)

1/2 teaspoon of turmeric (just to make them nice and yellow)

1/2 teaspoon of cumin

1/2 teaspoon of salt

cold water (some recommend chilled sparkling water)

The batter should be very thick. If it goes too thin just add more flour.

(Health and Safety Warning: do not rub your eyes after chopping the chilli, even if you have washed your hands several times)

Into the batter you stir some finely chopped veggies. I put the batter in two bowls and put two sliced onions in one portion and a chopped head of cauliflower in the other. Mushrooms are good, as are potatoes. I did courgettes once, they are ok but cook very quickly and go a bit soft. Feel free to mix and match according to your own preferences. You want them to be mainly vegetable with just a coating of batter, otherwise they can get a bit stodgy.

Deep fry in small batches. I just drop spoonfuls into the hot fat and turn them over several times. I set the timer on the oven to 3 minutes for each batch and that seemed to work out well:

Drain on kitchen paper and keep warm in the oven (they are still ok gone cold but I like them hot).

Enjoy with mango chutney:

Hoping everyone has a great 2015.

Guest Post Number 2: How to make marshmallows

Today's guest post is written and performed by Tish and Monkey.

We have recently discovered just how fabulous home made marshmallows are. Plus how incredibly easy they are.
The first thing I will tell you is that if you don't have an electric whisk you will need a second person. The second thing is you will definitely need is a sugar thermometer.
So here are your general ingredients:
12 oz of caster sugar, plus 1 tablespoon
2 egg whites
6 leaves of leaf gelatine (do not substitute with powdered)
1 tablespoon of liquid glucose or golden syrup
2 tablespoons of icing sugar
2 tablespoons of corn flour
150ml of water
pinch of salt
your choice of colour and flavouring (today we are using vanilla essence and blue food dye but rose water is also really nice)

This recipe is from of this book, which has lots of lovely things in it:

Sweet Things by Annie Rigg.

The first thing I reccommend you do is prepare the tin to put the marshmallows in. Use a 9inch square tin. Take a piece of baking parchment or grease proof paper and grease with sunflower or vegetable oil. Next stick your paper into the tin, I use a couple of bits of sellotape but you can do it however you like. Now mix the corn flour and icing sugar together, sprinkle some into the pan and shake around so that all of the paper is covered (the oil will stick it on), and pour out an excess into a bowl and set aside for later. it should end up looking something like this:

Next we will prepare the gelatine (you can use leaf pectin but good luck finding it because I can't). Take all 6 of your leaves and place in a big jug of cold water and leave to soak for 10 mins. Then take it out and pat dry, it will look a bit like plastic (as you can see below), set this aside.

Now place the egg whites, 1 tablespoon of caster sugar and pinch of salt in a large glass mixing bowl (I don't recommend a plastic mixing bowl as I'm not sure how they would react to boiling sugar being poured into it, might melt). 

Set this aside for later, DO NOT WHISK YET!!!

Now put the rest of the caster sugar, water, and golden syrup into a small pan and turn to a medium heat until the sugar is all dissolved.

Once the sugar is all dissolved turn the heat up to full and put your sugar thermometer in. Keep stirring so it doesn't burn. You are aiming for 120˚c, when it gets to 90˚c you should get your second person to start whisking your egg whites as you have about 4 mins to go. It will go very quickly from 100˚ to 120˚, inside about 2 mins. As soon as you reach 120˚c you need to take it off the heat and take out the thermometer.

Now straight away put your gelatine into the hot syrup, it will bubble up and go crazy, keep stirring. It will settle down in a couple of seconds, keep stirring as you carry it over to the egg whites.

Hopefully your assistant should have whisked your egg whites to stiff peak point (meringue style). If not just keeping stirring so it doesn't set and tell them to hurry the hell up. You want the syrup to go in hot.

Now pour the syrup directly into the whisked egg whites, as you do have your assistant keep whisking.

At this point you can add your flavouring and colouring (about a cap full will do). Keep whisking for about 3 mins until it is glossy and holding the shape from the whisk. Make sure you scrape the bottom as the syrup can settle a bit.

Now pour your mixture into your prepared tin. Leave for about 2 hours, then cover with cling film and leave for another 4 hours to set. Don't put it in the fridge, just somewhere cool.

Once it is set you need to find the bowl of corn flour and icing sugar. Sprinkle the mixture over a large tray or chopping board, then turn out the marshmallow onto the tray. If you did the first bit right the paper should peel of perfectly. Now take a big sharp knife and cut the marshmallow into cubes. After the first cut the knife will get a bit sticky so I recommend putting some of the corn flour/icing sugar mix onto the sticky blade. After you have cut it into cubes role them in the mixture so they're coated and not sticky. Then just tap off the excess.

And voila, you have marshmallows! Ours turned out green and very soft this time. Their consistency can vary but they're always lovely.

Now you will also find yourself with left over egg yokes, which you need to use; we prefer to make cheese straws but you can make whatever you like.