Chatted with family last night over zoom; when I say chatted, I mean they chatted. I feel ambivalent on the subject. It's nice to be able to see them, it's nice to be included, but I have nothing to say. I don't feel it is conducive to conversation, it feels stilted. I also find that it makes me feel more remote. I have this sense of being on the periphery of everything; on the outside, looking in at people. I am not good at staying in touch and have gone long periods without seeing my family much. They all see each other much more frequently than I do so I have ended up feeling like an outsider, like I used to be part of it but am not any more. I have been struggling with a feeling of unreality, and then I have times like Saturday when the irrelevance of everything I do all just becomes overwhelming.
This is not what I wanted to write. I wanted to write a nice upbeat little piece about how mum and dad shared their memories of VE day (they were both nearly 9 at the time). I wanted to say how I felt like an effective parent because Tish had a migraine and I helped her calm down and looked after her until she was able to go back to sleep. I wanted to say how nice it was to come home and find Monkey and Toby making the dinner, though by the time it was ready I felt sick and not hungry. I should be trying to focus on the positive things, how am I supposed to help Monkey be more positive if I can't even do it myself.
Also why am I waffling on about what's going on in my head when what's going on outside in the world is so much more important.
It's late. (This is Monday's post, but posted after midnight).
Stay safe. See you tomorrow.